The Wedding of the X-wife

Before you double check my gender...let me tell you that I am female, married and on a never ending quest to find the true meaning of being a happy hippy homemaker. Before I was married, I had a hetro-life partner for years. We were called many things in our time together, the Porno girls, NM, the Odd Couple...but in my heart I knew that she was my little friend who was my house wife. She would bake, clean, and go out with me weekly to the movies.

It was fun to have her around a while. She was the one person in the world who would tell me that "those pants don't look good with that shirt...But try this sweater with it". She would cut and color my hair. We would bring dates over to house and know that the other would have to make a quick escape. On Sunday nights...she would make her dinner, and bake. There were many dares that were made with the promise of a "whole dollar" after it was completed. We both dated terrible men, and laughed and joked about it often.

The X-wife came to see me get married and see me off to another phase in my life. It was a sad day to know that Divorce was final and there was not going to be another Reunion. In April The X and her new beau showed up at my home sweet crap shack and announced that they were going to get married. I was so happy for her we made a trip to a bridal gown shop and purchased the wedding dress.

Finally last weekend the X-wife and I reunited for the last time and had a sleep over in a hotel room, eating doughnuts at midnight, drinking diet cokes, Curling her hair, getting our fashionable best out for the next morning, and watching the tube and making fun of everything on it. That was it, we were never going to be the porno girls again with out dragging around our significant others or kiddies. I was ready for it.

After dancing to "It's Raining Men," and "Just Like Heaven" I passed the X-wife on. I had been fed, and danced all night, and then X-wife and I said good bye. I turned to her significant other and asked "Hey I know that she is my X-wife but it WAS a amicable divorce, and I was just making sure we can still be friends...It could be like Bruce and Demi, ya know?" We'll hear from her when she gets back from the Honeymoon.

Hey, at least it makes me more interesting.

I'm not a reality show girl. This was mainly due to the fact that most reality shows did not interest me because I was neither talented, interesting, or lead a life that would allow me to want to wonder if I could"do that". I can't dance, Sing, or have the desire to go to an island and live off the land(mostly because it would require that I have strength and I have been proud NOT to have since Jr.High). I am now joining the ranks of other stay at home mommies. You might as well hand me a bucket of bon-bons on Wed. nights and join me for the final four on SHEAR GENIUS. It's Nichole, Charlie, Daniel, and Dee.
Lets discuss why this season has left me threatening to boycott, jump up and yell, and bitch for hours. Lets talk Hair shall we??
First off Jaclyn Smith is the judge, and really what authority does she have? She likes to comb her own hair. I'm sure she colors her hair(or a LICENSED stylist does it i.e Jos' Eber). But if that is the case then my entire clientel has the right to be the judge based on that criteria. Get somebody who know what they are doing to judge. Geez at least in Project Runway Hiedi Klum knows fashion because she was a FASHION MODEL. One more thing..the first two episodes were scary as hell to watch, and not just because the Hairstylists were required to cut hair blindfolded. Her bad botox left her looking like the joker. Will the real slim joker please stand up.
Second let talk about the stylist. These kids are GOOD. They have been in the industry for a few years in order to be where they are. Most of them are educators, salon owners, and Stylist of the Year winners, and platform artists. These people have spent Thousands on their education to train as apprentice's or to be licensed stylists. While in school they have to study chemistry, biology, anatomy and art. The stylists THEN continue to spend thousands to take advanced academies education to further their ability and teach in hair schools to get their educators license so they can be educators and going to trade shows to keep fresh on style that changes quarterly. Give them a color line that they can work with because the Crap they have now is no better then Lady Miss Clairol, and that is really not color I would use on the dogs they shaved. They are hair stylists, not mind readers. They are hair stylists not Dog shavers. They are hairstylists...they can be bitches. I am outraged that they have made them do hair with products from the fridge, cut hair with blind folds, and shave dogs, or play musical chairs with clients. All 4 of the remaining stylists deserve to be there. Saying that I have to say this...ARE YOU KIDDING me?? How could NOT one of you KNOW how to lighten previous lightened hair with a color remover or not know how to do the Punk colors?? Half of my clientel is the punk colors. Your hair stylists, you should know this by now.
Let talk about my Third point, which is THIS IS A COMPETITION. There will be harassment, dirty fighting, talking about each other in fronts and behind backs. When a person looses or is in the bottom in EVERY COMPETITION like Nekisa(the photo to your left) you would think "gosh hasn't she gone home yet?" but no, they kept her one until I couldn't stand it because every hair cut was just that bad. EVEN PEOPLE who don't do hair said "wow is she still on?" Get ride of the weak so the strong can have an equal competition trust me it makes for better TV. (Tabitha and Tyson...anybody remember that?) Just for the record, Glen was the only one as far as I am concerned that knows how to work with the color line.

Shear Genius will continue next Weds. This little video will give you an insight as to what I have been watching the last few weeks. I am stocking up on Ice cream n Diet Coke for the occasion. Next week...Adventures in motherhood and the things I will do to be the best mommy ever.

I'll wear them in the bathtub and I'll write them a love song

It was one of those days that started out laundry from the night before, dishes from the last couple days and day time TV keeping me company while I swept and mopped. Elise napped for a long time, that made my heart happy. I had a friend that called in lazy to work, and after a brief conversation on what we would do...the Gateway is a point of wander. After getting there, or first stop was the Hot Topic. After trying to ask questions about what I was looking for over whatever bad DeJour was playing(you know the band that gives the biggest middle finger to the Parents and the man but costs an arm and a leg to purchase), we got out of there in a hurry. We decided on an ice cream, this woman came up to me expressing her awe about my daughter how beautiful she was and how she was a talent scout for this model agency. I thanked her, and thanked her actually what I said was"thank you, oooohhh thank you! My daughter is disgusting looking today...but thank you." actually what it was that from the the lack of my commitment to her hair(the combing there of) and the mess with the ice cream. AWESOME. We then wandered into one of the sweetest fashion boutiques in Utah( or what WAS the sweetest fashion boutique. Jared Gold the designer who made it in UTAH dumped our asses and moved on up to the west side. Hollywood kids, thats where you can find him). Like a light from above I noticed the sale sign on the shoes. Angels sang sweetly... and I took it as a sign to take a closer look at them with my toes. I picked up a pair of Grey suede and turned to our sweet little gay retailer and loudly demanded "I NEED these in Drag Queen size STAT".

Okay, lemme explain this. I have Drag Queen size feet. I was wearing a size 9 shoe by the time I was in Jr. High, and have slowly eased into a size 10. Positive having a size 10? In places where they have killer sales on shoes, I will usually find a pair of the most expensive shoes that are the prettiest things in my size for 5 dollars. The Negative? There is an over abundance of shoes in my size in a gold lemme', something that the sequence monster puked on, or something designed from my grandpas Orange and Gold socks. These shoes are CLEARLY geared to the men of The DRAG QUEEN nature, and they are buying 'em. I have been shoe gazing with another friend of mine who TOO has drag queen feet and she totally agrees with me about the style of the show with the size. She then in turns, tells a friend of hers who use to be a drag queen, and he said that his foot is slightly bigger then ours but could manage to squeeze his dainty feet into our shoes and POSSIBLY be comfortable.

With that LONG explanation...the little boy at the boutique ran in the back room to find my shoes, and came back with a pair that he said he had been hold for a special pair like us. The BC shoes were mint green, and so pretty. I threatened to purchase a pair of stir-up leggings. When he told me how much I started pulling out the cash I had in my back pocket to purchase, he then got the shoes I was looking for. I slipped on the shoes and without a second thought I yelled "SOLD". With all that, I purchased and we were well on our way. With what I spent...there was NO buyers remorse, but eagerness to pull them out of their beds and let the 1 year old admire her mommy's fashion sense. Thank you Seychelles shoes form making my feet look hot why I am doing the simple things in the home, like Vaccuming and the dishes. There has been more then once that Elise has dropped to her knees to touch touch touch their beauty. I never thought I would love anything more then my plaid Doc. Martins, but I was mistaken.
Just because you are mom doesn't mean you can't put on your fashion best. Trust me your dishes will be sparkelier, your whites will be whiter, and your house will clean it's self.